Rebuilding
It’s a part of my past that I rarely bring up because there was always a question about what I did to contribute to the fighting, or why I allowed it to continue for so long. Some have even questioned the authenticity of my statements, including a judge.
But it was a very real part of my past that made me feel worthless, suicidal at times. I remember trying to accommodate my behavior and my clothing…so that we would have less “problems.” I remember it didn’t work and he hit me when he got very angry. The hitting didn’t hurt as much as the name calling and insulting. I wondered if I really was stupid. Each time he apologized, he manipulated the entire story and made me think it was my fault. I wondered, “am I going crazy?”…did I really start the problem? I always forgave him. At the time he was larger than life, smarter than me….wiser.
He controlled our finances because I was stupid with money, I would never survive without him. He said that I would be broke and homeless if he didn’t handle our bills and money. He had a personal savings account that our money was stored in. I didn’t have access.
Our kids were approximately 8 years old. Something happened, I realized I wasn’t the only victim. I wanted to die. I called my mother and she came and packed me up. That was it. I was broke (emotionally and financially) and I had to start over. Going back wasn’t an option anymore.
It took a while to build myself back up. He attempted to withhold things so I would be forced to come back home. But I didn’t go back…I slowly built myself back up.
I remember sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my small ugly apartment, but feeling a great sense of pride. I wanted to rebuild “peace” within my four walls. I have a long way to go. I feel it inside of myself…the abuse changes people. It caused me to be defensive, argumentative and sometimes abusive too. Its a pattern that we have to recognize first, before we can begin the journey of improvement.
–Anonymous
