It just escalated and got worse, so much worse
I feel, looking back on my life that from the moment I was born, I was born for a reason, God had plans for my life and it wasn’t for smelling the roses.
I’m not quite sure where to begin, so I’ll be quick with a synopsis of my early years. I was born into a dysfunctional family; my parents both alcoholic, had some knockout drag out fights of their own. So, I grew up witnessing abuse and violence, some of which I don’t recall, my childhood is somewhat elusive to me, our brains protective device, the things I do remember, well I wish I didn’t.
I was under the age of five when I was shown my first penis. Which happened to be one of my brothers it was attached to. My next memories are of a friend of my father’s, who sexually abused me for years, repeatedly. Then it went on to an ex-husband of my sister, a son of a friend of my mother’s and circled back around to my brother again. I remember feeling like I had a sign on my forehead, announcing to all the perverts, that I am here, of course, through many years of counseling, I now know that feeling was normal and that it’s only a feeling, it doesn’t make it so.
I grew up alone, depressed and looking for an escape. This is why at age 21, my first real relationship I’ve ever had, was a man that I soon married and would turn out to be worse for me mentally, emotionally and physically than anything I had encountered before. The marriage was great at first, or so I thought. We were young and what they called “yuppies” back then, we were married in 1991, homeowners by 1994, adopted a beautiful baby girl in 1997, opened a business in 1998 and then it was all downhill and Hands-On from there.
During this time, I was driving back and forth to Virginia, to take care of my father who had cancer and my husband started doing drugs, so this just compounded the abuse and my naivety as I knew nothing about drugs at the time.
This is when the hitting started, he’d grab at me and as he puts it “restrained” me, the punches, kicks, strangling marital rape, bruises all over, black eyes, bloody lips, broken nose and wrists, all sometimes happening before any healing began. It just escalated and got worse, so much worse, I left New Year’s Eve, the year 1999.
That was my escape. I planned it, well as much as I could, while still going through it. The alcohol in his system from the New Year’s Eve activity, actually was a godsend, although he was worse in ways, it also allowed for him to pass out.
I waited long enough to be sure he wasn’t going to stir and I don’t know why but I got a knife from the kitchen and I went back and stood over him, with the knife aimed at his chest and then had a quick thought of my daughter, so I went and put the knife away and instead I got the bags, I had previously packed and hid, and put them on the front porch. And all along my body was shaking, my heart pounding feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest, I couldn’t catch my breath and I was sweating from trying to do this before he heard me. I gathered up the last-minute essentials for my daughter, I put my coat on and grabbed her up wrapping her in a blanket and proceeded to the porch, whew I made it. Still holding my child, I gathered up the bags, while saying to myself, “I can make it” and so with my luck, my knees gave out and I nearly fell down the stairs. I was able to catch myself and made it to my neighbors, who let me call my mother to come get us.
I made it, we made it, my daughter and I, we got out alive. He never touched our daughter; he only touched me but I wonder if in time that may have changed, I just thank God that we got away.
Even to this day, some 20 years later I struggle with some things that he instilled in me. I know I’m a better woman, a mother and a friend because of what he did to me and I still attend therapy and meetings. At times, fight with myself as I still hear him saying ugly things that beat up my self-esteem. I thank God and all of my counselors for being where I am today and for the strength that I’ve gained for waking up from this nightmare.
He was ordered to go to anger management, which seemed to help in the beginning and was a fast fleeting idea because of his denial of any wrongdoing getting in his way, the change that was there has since gone away.
Through all that I’ve been through, I know that I am one of the lucky ones. There are so many that don’t get out, unless it’s in unforgivable ways. My heart, my tears and my prayers go out to all the unseen victims alive and those that have been taken away too soon and to their families and friends that know, and yet don’t know what to do.
i have been told by many that something I said was inspiring to them along this long journey I’ve been on and I’m happy to hear those words and even happier to know that something I said had helped someone and I can only hope that the words I say from here on out can help even more.
I just want anyone and everyone to know that there is a way out and now there are so many more places to reach out to, that weren’t there for me. If you take just one thing away from these words I say, take this and hold it in your heart and head forever, that you are a Survivor and survive however you need to, Today.
Please, for your sake and your children’s sake, if you have any, reach out to someone, call a hotline whether it’s for domestic violence or for mental health, call a friend, a family member or your clergy, get help before it’s too late and know that it won’t get any better, you need to understand that, and better still know that you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to be treated in these ways. It is not your fault, it is the fault of the perpetrator, they’re the ones that need the biggest help. Although, you will need healing whether it’s physical, mental, emotional or all. Thank you for reading this excerpt of my life and I hope it helps, even if only knowing you’re not alone and that you have choices. Survive and thrive, peace to you all!
–Sharon – Domestic Violence Survivor
